5 signs someone is simply not a kind person according to Stoicism

In my journey with Stoicism, I’ve come to realize that kindness isn’t just a virtue—it’s a cornerstone of living a meaningful life. But what happens when someone lacks this essential quality?

Stoicism, with its emphasis on virtue and rational living, offers a unique perspective on what it means to truly embody kindness—or the lack thereof.

Over time, I’ve noticed that some people, despite outward appearances, simply aren’t kind. It’s not always easy to spot at first, but with the wisdom of the Stoics as a guide, the signs become clearer.

Whether you’re trying to understand the behaviors of others or reflecting on your own actions, recognizing these signs can be a powerful tool for personal growth and better relationships.

01 They lack empathy

One of the most telling signs that someone is not a kind person is their inability to empathize with others.

Empathy is the foundation of compassion—it’s what allows us to truly understand and connect with another person’s experience. Stoicism teaches us that to build meaningful relationships, we must cultivate the ability to step into someone else’s shoes.

As Marcus Aurelius advises, “Habituate yourself not to be attentive to what another has to say, and so far as possible be in the mind of the speaker.”(The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)

This means that instead of merely listening to respond, a kind person listens to understand, making a genuine effort to grasp what the other person is feeling and thinking.

When someone lacks empathy, they fail to engage with the emotions and perspectives of others. They may hear the words but never truly connect with the underlying feelings.

This disconnect leads them to be dismissive or indifferent to the struggles and needs of those around them. 

02 They are self-centered

“We are all working together to a single end.”

This wisdom from Marcus Aurelius highlights the Stoic belief that we are interconnected and that our actions should contribute to the greater good.

A person who is self-centered, however, fails to recognize this fundamental truth. Instead, they focus solely on their own needs and desires, often at the expense of others.

In Stoicism, kindness is rooted in understanding that we are part of a larger community. When someone is self-centered, they disregard this interconnectedness, acting as though their personal goals are all that matter. They may ignore the needs of others, prioritize their own interests, and rarely consider how their actions affect those around them.

This lack of consideration for the collective well-being is a strong indicator of unkindness. A self-centered person is less likely to contribute positively to their relationships or community because they are more concerned with their own advancement.

They also miss out on the fulfillment that comes from working together towards a shared purpose—a fulfillment that Stoicism teaches is essential for a virtuous and harmonious life.

03 They hold grudges

Have you ever noticed someone holding onto past slights, nursing grudges, and letting bitterness fester?

In Stoicism, forgiveness and letting go are crucial to maintaining inner peace and harmony with others. Holding onto anger or resentment only serves to poison the mind and harm relationships.

As Marcus Aurelius teaches, “Another does wrong. What is that to me? Let him look to it; he has his own disposition, his own activity.” (The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)

Stoics understand that dwelling on the wrongs others have done to us is futile and counterproductive. Instead, they focus on maintaining their own virtue and tranquility, recognizing that the actions of others are beyond their control.

A person who holds grudges often struggles to move on from perceived injustices. They may repeatedly bring up past wrongs, use them as weapons in conflicts, or distance themselves from those they believe have wronged them. This behavior not only strains relationships but also indicates a lack of compassion and understanding.

In contrast, a kind person forgives and lets go, understanding that everyone makes mistakes and that holding onto anger only deepens suffering. By releasing grudges, they create space for healing, growth, and stronger, more positive connections with others. 

04 They let their values slide for personal benefit

Imagine this: You’re at work, facing a tough choice. There’s an opportunity to get ahead, but it requires bending the rules—maybe even compromising your integrity. What do you do?

This moment of decision is telling, and how you handle it reveals a lot about your character. 

Marcus Aurelius sets a high standard with his words: “Whatever anyone may do or say, I am bound to be good.” (The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)

This quote speaks to the Stoic commitment to staying virtuous, regardless of external pressures or temptations. A truly kind person will stick to their principles, even when it’s inconvenient or when taking the easy way out seems appealing.

Moreover, Marcus Aurelius also advises, “Never value as an advantage to yourself what will force you one day to break your word.”(The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)

This quote underscores the importance of integrity—of not sacrificing your character for a fleeting benefit. When one chooses personal gain over values, they risk deceiving, manipulating, or betraying others, which ultimately erodes trust and damages relationships.

05 They constantly seek praise for their good deeds

Last but not least, a subtle yet telling sign that someone is not genuinely kind is their tendency to seek praise or recognition for their good deeds.

True kindness, according to Stoic philosophy, is done quietly and sincerely, without the need for external validation. 

Epictetus offers wise counsel on this matter: “When you have adopted the simple life, do not pride yourself upon it, and if you are a water-drinker do not say on every occasion, ‘I am a water-drinker.’ And if you ever want to train laboriously, keep it to yourself and do not make a show of it.” (The Discourses of Epictetus , 1916)

This quote reminds us that true virtue is humble and unassuming. A person who constantly broadcasts their good deeds or virtues is likely more concerned with how they are perceived than with the act of kindness itself.

The bottom line

Kindness isn’t just about doing good—it’s about staying true to your values, even when it’s tough.

If you notice these signs in yourself or others, it might be time for a little Stoic reflection.

What do you think? Have you encountered people who struggle with these traits? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

And if you enjoyed this article, don’t miss out on more Stoic insights—sign up for our newsletter to get wisdom delivered straight to your inbox!

Until next time, as always, stay Stoic. 

What would Marcus Aurelius say?

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