Having a handle on your tongue can be more powerful than the most eloquent speech. It’s about picking your moments, knowing that sometimes silence can say more than any words.
As Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
In life, there are simply certain situations where it’s best to keep our lips sealed, to listen rather than speak. What situations?
Well, these five are a good place to start.
1) When anger takes over
“Anger is unwarrantable as it is unjust: for it falls many times upon the wrong person, and discharges itself upon the innocent instead of the guilty” – Seneca (Seneca’s Morals, 1882)
You know what they say about arguing while you’re angry – it’s like trying to navigate a stormy sea. The Stoics were big believers in this concept.
Anger, they said, clouds judgment. It leads us to say things we don’t mean, things we might regret later. It’s a fire that consumes sense and sensitivity, leaving only the ashes of bitter words behind.
There’s a simple solution for this – silence. When the flames of anger are licking at your heels, it’s time to retreat into the cool refuge of quiet.
It’s not about swallowing your feelings or letting others walk all over you – far from it. It’s about giving yourself the space to breathe, to think, to calm down before you respond.
2) When listening is more important
I remember one time when this truth hit home for me. I was at a family gathering, and my cousin was going through a tough time. She was pouring her heart out, but instead of truly listening, I found myself planning my response, readying my words of advice.
That’s when it struck me – she didn’t need my advice. She needed someone to listen, to validate her feelings. She needed silence from me so her words could fill the space.
That’s another time when the Stoics suggest silence is golden. When someone shares their struggles or joys, often they’re not looking for your input. They’re looking for your understanding.
So, next time someone opens up to you, try this Stoic practice. Pause. Listen. Let your silence be their support.
3) When you’re tempted to gossip
“Whatever anyone may do or say, I am bound to be good” – Marcus Aurelius (The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)
Let’s face it – gossip can be tempting. It can feel thrilling, bonding even, to share a juicy piece of information about someone else.
But gossiping doesn’t just harm the person you’re talking about. It harms you, too. It shifts your focus from improving yourself to judging others, which is a losing game in the long run.
Gossip also chips away at trust. After all, if you’re talking about someone else, who’s to say you won’t talk about the person you’re gossiping with next?
The Stoic antidote to the urge to gossip is silence. When the conversation turns towards someone who isn’t present, it’s an opportunity to practice keeping silent.
This isn’t about being a killjoy or holier-than-thou. It’s about respect – for others and for yourself. It’s about cultivating a character that values truth over hearsay, kindness over judgement.
4) When words won’t change the outcome
There have been moments in my life where I’ve found myself in heated debates, trying to convince someone of my viewpoint. One such instance was with a close friend over a political issue. We argued for hours, both of us entrenched in our positions.
In the end, neither of us changed our minds. All that happened was that we were both left emotionally drained and our friendship strained.
The Stoics taught that some things are beyond our control. Other people’s opinions often fall into this category. They believed that it’s wise to save your energy for things you can influence and accept the things you can’t.
Looking back on my argument with my friend, I see the wisdom in this. We could have agreed to disagree earlier on, preserving our energy and our friendship.
Silence doesn’t mean defeat or agreement. Sometimes, it’s simply the most sensible response.
5) When silence is the kindest response
Here’s something that can be hard to accept, but is incredibly important: Sometimes, the kindest thing you can say is nothing at all.
The Stoics were big on compassion, and sometimes, not saying a word is the most compassionate thing you can do.
This might be when someone is grieving and your attempts at comfort might feel hollow. Or when someone has made a mistake and is already beating themselves up about it.
In these moments, your silent presence can be more comforting than any words. It shows that you’re there for them without trying to fix or dismiss their pain.
Final thoughts: Embracing the power of silence
The wisdom of the Stoics has stood the test of time, offering lessons that are as relevant today as they were thousands of years ago.
At the heart of these lessons is the understanding that our words have power, but so does our silence. It’s a tool, an art even, that we can harness to enhance our relationships, foster self-improvement, and navigate the complexities of life.
Think about it. How many times have we regretted speaking out in haste, compared to staying silent? How often do we truly listen when others speak, without formulating our responses?
By choosing when to speak and when to be silent, we not only respect others but also create space for our own growth.
As always, I hope you found some value in this post. For regular insights like this delivered directly to your inbox, feel free to join our newsletter below.
Until next time, stay Stoic.
What would Marcus Aurelius say?
Unsure what to do next in your career? Struggling to move on from a failed relationship? Searching for more meaning in life?
Marcus Aurelius can tell you how to face your challenges in a more Stoic way.
Simply ask your question, and Marcus Aurelius will answer.
