We’ve all been there – barely treading water, but you’re putting on a brave face. The truth is, we’re all in survival mode at some point.
As a relationship expert, I’ve had countless conversations with folks who are navigating rough seas while maintaining an outward calm. And you’d be surprised at how subtle the signs can be that someone is actually struggling beneath the surface.
However, there are certain phrases that act as giveaways, revealing an ongoing inner battle.
Today, we uncover them.
Let’s dive in.
1) I’m fine
In my years as a relationship expert, I’ve found that “I’m fine” is often the go-to phrase for those in survival mode. It’s simple, it’s quick, and it effectively ends any probing questions.
But here’s the thing – it’s often said with a forced smile or a dismissive wave of the hand. These non-verbal cues can be giveaways that all is not as calm as it seems.
Now, it’s important to remember that everyone says “I’m fine” from time to time. It doesn’t always mean they’re struggling. But if you notice this phrase being used more frequently than usual, or in combination with other subtle signs of distress, it might be a signal that the person is in survival mode.
2) It’s nothing, really
Another phrase I’ve come across in my work is “It’s nothing, really”. This is another clever disguise, a way for someone to minimize their experiences and feelings.
If you hear this phrase, especially when you’ve seen signs that suggest otherwise, it’s a subtle hint that the person might be dealing with more than they’re letting on. They may be trying to convince themselves as much as they are trying to convince you.
3) I don’t need help
In my experiences, both personal and professional, I’ve found that “I don’t need help” is another phrase that people in survival mode often use. It’s a way to maintain control and keep their struggles hidden.
In my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve into this very issue.
But for now just know that, often, people believe they need to manage everything on their own. They see asking for help as a sign of weakness.
But it’s actually a sign of strength and self-awareness. Recognizing when you’re overwhelmed and reaching out for help is brave, not weak.
If someone consistently insists they “don’t need help” despite clearly struggling, they’re likely in survival mode. It might be time to remind them that it’s okay to lean on others.
4) I’m just really busy right now
Now, here’s a phrase that might seem counterintuitive. On the surface, it sounds like a simple explanation for being preoccupied or unavailable. But dig a little deeper, and it can reveal a lot more.
When someone is in survival mode, they often fill their schedule to the brim. They keep themselves busy to avoid facing their struggles head-on. It’s a classic diversion tactic – if they’re constantly on the go, they don’t have time to dwell on their problems.
However, staying busy can only provide temporary relief. Eventually, they’ll need to face what they’re avoiding.
5) I don’t want to talk about it
This one is another, perhaps surprising, signal that someone may be in survival mode. It might sound straightforward, but it’s a protective measure.
I’ll share a little story. I once had a friend who consistently used this phrase. Even during our most relaxed and intimate conversations, she’d shut down any attempt to discuss her struggles. I later learned she was going through a tough time.
When someone uses this phrase, they’re essentially putting up a wall, keeping their struggles locked behind it. They’re trying to maintain control over their emotions and protect themselves from feeling vulnerable.
So, what should you do in this case?
Well, of course, you should respect their boundaries. But also reassure them that you’re there for them. Let them know that when they’re ready to talk, you’ll be ready to listen.
6) I’m just tired
While it’s true that we all get physically tired, this phrase is often used as a shorthand for emotional or mental exhaustion.
People in survival mode are fighting battles that aren’t always visible to the naked eye. Often, they’re juggling anxieties, fears, and problems that can be utterly exhausting. Yet, they don’t always feel comfortable revealing the depth of their struggles, so they simplify it to “I’m just tired”.
These three words can carry a lot of weight. If you hear them often from someone who seems calm on the surface but is showing other signs of struggle, listen. Let them know that it’s okay to be more than “just tired” and that their feelings are valid.
Sometimes, the most important thing you can do is to acknowledge their struggle and offer your support.
7) Everything is under control
“Everything is under control” – how many times have we heard this? It’s another phrase that people in survival mode often use to keep others (and sometimes themselves) at arm’s length from their struggles.
I remember a time in my own life when I kept repeating this phrase. I was juggling a lot – work, relationships, and personal issues. It was my way of convincing myself that I could handle it all.
If you hear this phrase repeatedly from someone, especially when you’ve seen signs that suggest otherwise, it’s important to remind them (and ourselves) that it’s okay if everything isn’t under control all the time.
Life is messy, and it’s perfectly okay to admit when we’re struggling.
8) I’ll deal with it later
Finally, “I’ll deal with it later” – a classic phrase that signals someone might be in survival mode. It’s a form of procrastination, a way to put off facing the difficult emotions or situations that are causing stress.
These people often feel overwhelmed by their struggles, so they push them away, convincing themselves they’ll deal with them later. But the truth is, there’s no better time than the present to start addressing these issues.
Reality check – “later” often turns into never. Postponing problems often only allows them to grow bigger and more daunting.
Conclusion
Recognizing when someone is in survival mode can be challenging, especially when they’re doing their best to seem calm. But by paying close attention to the phrases they use, we can gain insights into their hidden struggles and offer our support.
Let’s all be a little more compassionate, a little more observant. Because sometimes, the calmest people are the ones who need our support the most.
What would Marcus Aurelius say?
Unsure what to do next in your career? Struggling to move on from a failed relationship? Searching for more meaning in life?
Marcus Aurelius can tell you how to face your challenges in a more Stoic way.
Simply ask your question, and Marcus Aurelius will answer.
