In this article, we’ll explore some telltale signs that someone is sorely lacking in social intelligence, all through the lens of Stoic philosophy.
If you see these behaviors in yourself or others, it might be time to reflect on how to engage more thoughtfully with the world around you.
1) Dominating conversations
We’ve all encountered someone who can’t seem to stop talking, and while it may not always come from a bad place, it reflects a lack of awareness of others’ desire to participate.
The Stoics emphasized balance and self-restraint in all areas of life, including communication. As Epictetus teaches, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
By dominating a conversation, you not only miss out on learning from others but also alienate them, making them feel unappreciated or unheard.
Good conversations are about give and take—a dynamic exchange of ideas where each person feels valued. By practicing humility and actively listening to others, we honor their perspectives and create space for meaningful dialogue.
Stoicism calls us to be mindful of how our actions impact others, and this includes how we conduct ourselves in conversations.
2) Failing to read the room
I remember a few years back, I was at a work event. It was one of those casual networking mixers where everyone is chatting in small groups, discussing light topics. I, however, somehow managed to launch into a long-winded debate about a controversial topic that no one else was remotely interested in. I could feel the energy shift—people went quiet, some subtly glanced around for an escape, and others just looked plain uncomfortable. It was awkward, to say the least.
Looking back, I realized I failed to read the room. I was so caught up in what I wanted to talk about that I completely missed the signals that everyone else was sending.
Stoicism teaches us the value of awareness, both of ourselves and our surroundings. As Marcus Aurelius wrote, “Direct your thought to what is being said. Let your mind gain an entrance into what is occurring and who is producing it”. (The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)
This advice is invaluable when it comes to social interactions.
Failing to read the room is a classic sign of low social intelligence because it shows a lack of sensitivity to the social dynamics at play. Conversations and interactions require a certain level of attunement to the mood and comfort levels of others. The ability to adapt based on these cues is a hallmark of emotional and social intelligence.
Now, I try to stay more present in social situations, paying attention to the mood of the group and adjusting my contributions accordingly. This shift has not only made me more aware but also more respectful of the unspoken boundaries that exist in social settings. It’s a simple practice, but it goes a long way in fostering better connections with others.
3) Dismissing other people’s feelings
Another sure sign of low social intelligence is the habit of brushing off other people’s emotions as if they’re insignificant or irrational.
This often happens when someone says, “Oh, don’t worry about it,” or “You’re overreacting,” when another person is clearly upset or stressed. This kind of dismissal not only invalidates the other person’s feelings but also reveals a lack of empathy—a crucial component of social intelligence.
Stoicism emphasizes the importance of empathy and understanding. Marcus Aurelius advises us to “Habituate yourself not to be attentive to what another has to say and so far as possible be in the mind of the speaker”. (The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)
In other words, we should make an effort to truly listen and understand the perspectives and emotions of others. This is how we build stronger connections and demonstrate care.
When we dismiss someone’s emotions, we miss an opportunity to connect and show kindness.
Stoicism teaches us to remain calm and rational in our own responses, but that doesn’t mean ignoring the emotional world of others. By offering understanding and validation, we not only improve our social interactions but also strengthen our relationships, showing that we value the person beyond the surface of the moment.
4) Measuring worth by status or wealth
Do you ever catch yourself judging someone by what they own or how much they earn?
I think we all have. It’s a subtle, yet common mistake—equating someone’s worth with their status, wealth, or material possessions.
You might see this in people who look down on others because they have less money, fewer prestigious titles, or live more modestly. This mindset creates a disconnect between people, breeding arrogance and a lack of empathy.
The Stoics firmly rejected this superficial view of human value. Epictetus captured this sentiment perfectly when he said:
“It is illogical to reason thus, ‘I am richer than you, therefore I am superior to you,’ ‘I am more eloquent than you, therefore I am superior to you.’ It is more logical to reason, ‘I am richer than you, therefore my property is superior to yours,’ ‘I am more eloquent than you, therefore my speech is superior to yours.’ You are something more than property or speech”. (The Discourses of Epictetus , 1916)
Essentially, Stoicism teaches that true worth lies in virtue and character, not in external achievements or possessions.
When we judge others based on status or wealth, we fail to recognize their deeper qualities—their kindness, wisdom, or strength of spirit. Social intelligence requires seeing beyond the surface and valuing people for who they are, not just what they have.
5) Boasting about virtues or achievements
We all know someone who can’t seem to stop talking about their accomplishments, whether it’s their strict diet, intense workout regimen, or charitable deeds.
While there’s nothing wrong with striving to improve yourself, boasting about it shows a lack of humility and social awareness. Constantly drawing attention to your virtues or achievements can come off as arrogant and self-serving, creating distance between you and others.
The Stoics cautioned against this behavior. As Epictetus wisely said, “When you have adopted the simple life, do not pride yourself upon it, and if you are a water-drinker do not say on every occasion, ‘I am a water-drinker.’ And if you ever want to train laboriously, keep it to yourself and do not make a show of it”. (The Discourses of Epictetus, 1916)
Boasting diminishes the value of your actions because it shifts the focus from genuine self-improvement to seeking praise from others. By practicing modesty and letting your actions speak for themselves, you cultivate deeper respect from those around you and embody the Stoic ideal of quiet strength and integrity.
The bottom line
That just about wraps it up for this one, folks. As always, I hope you found it to be a good read.
Social intelligence isn’t just about knowing what to say—it’s about how we treat others, how we carry ourselves, and how well we navigate the subtle dynamics of human interaction.
\By applying these Stoic principles, we can sharpen our social awareness, build better connections, and live more harmoniously.
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