The line between being agreeable and being a people-pleaser can be a fine one to tread. People-pleasing often comes from a place of wanting approval, but it can come at the cost of our own self-respect.
Using certain phrases can reinforce this people-pleasing behaviour, making it feel like we’re losing ourselves in the process. And let’s be honest, we all have moments when we catch ourselves uttering these phrases.
If you want to regain your self-respect, it’s time to eliminate these 9 phrases from your vocabulary.
Let’s dive right in.
1) “Whatever you want”
Walking the line between being accommodating and losing your personal identity can be tricky. One phrase often used by chronic people-pleasers is “whatever you want”. It’s a phrase that’s easy to slip into conversation when you’re trying to keep the peace or avoid conflict.
While it may seem harmless, using this phrase habitually can lead to a loss of self-respect. It sends the message that your own preferences, wants, and needs are secondary to those of others.
The goal isn’t to be selfish or uncooperative, but to acknowledge that your desires are just as important. So, instead of defaulting to “whatever you want”, try expressing your own opinion or preference. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice, it becomes easier.
It’s okay to have a say in matters that affect you. After all, balance is key in any relationship.
2) “I’m sorry, but…”
An apology is powerful when it’s warranted, but have you ever noticed how often you say “I’m sorry” when you’re not really at fault? I know I have.
There was a time when I’d start almost every request or opinion with “I’m sorry, but…”. It was as if I was apologizing for having a thought or a need. In reality, what I was doing was diminishing my self-respect by over-apologizing.
One day, a close friend pointed this out to me. She said, “You’re always saying sorry when you have nothing to be sorry about”. That hit me. I realized that in my attempt to be polite and non-confrontational, I was undermining my own self-worth.
From that day onwards, I made a conscious effort to reserve my apologies for situations where they are truly necessary. It’s been a liberating experience and one that has definitely helped me respect myself more. So next time you’re about to say “I’m sorry, but…”, ask yourself if an apology is really needed.
3) “Yes, I can do that!”
While it’s great to be helpful and reliable, agreeing to take on everything that’s thrown at you can quickly lead to burnout. The phrase “Yes, I can do that!” might seem like a surefire way to gain approval, but it can also be a ticket to stress and overcommitment.
A study conducted by the University of California, San Francisco found that difficulty saying no can significantly increase the risk of experiencing stress, burnout, and even depression.
Before you instinctively jump in with a “Yes, I can do that!”, take a moment to consider if you realistically have the time and resources. It’s perfectly acceptable to say no when your plate is full. Respecting your own limitations is an important part of self-respect.
4) “I don’t mind”
The phrase “I don’t mind” can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can demonstrate flexibility and openness. On the other hand, when used excessively, it can imply that you lack personal preferences or that your preferences are not important.
This phrase tends to surface in situations where decisions are being made – from choosing a restaurant for dinner to deciding on a movie to watch. It’s convenient to say “I don’t mind” to avoid potential conflict or to let others have their way.
However, constantly suppressing your own desires can lead to a loss of self-respect. It’s crucial to remember that your opinions and preferences matter. It’s okay to voice them and let others know what you want. Maintaining a balance between accommodating others and asserting yourself is key to preserving self-respect.
5) “It’s no big deal”
Downplaying your feelings or efforts with phrases like “It’s no big deal” can sometimes do more harm than good. While it’s great to be humble, brushing off your accomplishments or feelings can inadvertently imply that you don’t value your own work or emotions.
Using “It’s no big deal” often might seem like you’re being modest or accommodating, but it could lead others to undervalue your contributions or overlook your feelings.
Acknowledging your achievements or expressing your feelings does not make you self-centered. It means you respect yourself enough to give yourself the credit you deserve or to let others know how you genuinely feel. It’s all about striking a balance between humility and self-respect.
6) “Don’t worry about me”
The phrase “Don’t worry about me” often comes from a place of care for others. We say it when we don’t want to burden others with our troubles or when we want to put others’ needs before our own.
While this can be a noble intention, consistently pushing aside your own needs or feelings can take a toll on your self-respect. By constantly prioritizing others over ourselves, we may unintentionally signal to ourselves and others that our needs and feelings are less important.
Expressing your feelings or needs isn’t a sign of selfishness; it’s a sign of self-respect and emotional honesty. It’s okay to let those around you know when you’re not okay. You matter too, and it’s important to remember that your well-being is just as important as anyone else’s.
7) “It’s all my fault”
Taking responsibility for our actions is a sign of maturity and integrity. But there’s a difference between taking responsibility and unnecessarily shouldering blame. I used to be a master at the latter.
Whenever something went wrong, my default response was, “It’s all my fault”. I felt responsible for every mishap, even if it was beyond my control. This not only harmed my self-esteem but also led others to place undue blame on me.
One day, a mentor of mine gently pointed out that I was carrying unnecessary guilt. This was a wake-up call. I realized that constantly blaming myself was not healthy or fair.
Since then, I’ve been learning to distinguish between what is and isn’t my responsibility. It’s been a journey towards gaining self-respect. So, if you often find yourself saying “It’s all my fault”, remember that it’s okay to let go of blame that doesn’t belong to you.
8) “I hope you’re not mad at me”
The phrase “I hope you’re not mad at me” is often used when we fear disapproval or conflict. It’s an attempt to smooth over potential disagreements and maintain harmony.
However, repeated use of this phrase can indicate a fear of expressing your true thoughts and feelings, in case they upset others. This can lead to a pattern of suppressing your own voice to keep the peace, which ultimately chips away at your self-respect.
It’s important to remember that everyone has a right to their perspectives, including you. Disagreements are a normal part of human interactions and can lead to growth and understanding. So instead of worrying about others being upset, focus on expressing your thoughts respectfully and honestly. This way, you uphold both your self-respect and the respect for others.
9) “I should have done better”
The phrase “I should have done better” can reflect a strong sense of responsibility and high standards. However, when used excessively, it can also indicate a tendency to be overly hard on yourself.
Continually telling yourself that you should have done better can lead to a cycle of self-criticism and decreased self-respect. It’s like having an internal voice that’s always dissatisfied, no matter how hard you try.
Striving for improvement is healthy, but it’s also important to acknowledge your efforts and give yourself grace. Remember, nobody is perfect, and making mistakes is part of being human. Instead of focusing on what you could have done differently, consider what you did well and what you’ve learned. This helps build resilience and self-respect.
Reflection: The journey towards self-respect
The journey towards self-respect is deeply personal and unique to each of us. It’s a process that calls for introspection, honesty, and the courage to break away from patterns that no longer serve us.
Each phrase we’ve explored here is more than just a collection of words. They are reflections of our internal narratives, echoing our relationship with ourselves and how we perceive our worth.
American author and speaker, Brené Brown once said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” This hits at the heart of what it means to respect oneself.
As you navigate your own journey, consider the power of your words. Are they reinforcing patterns of people-pleasing and diminishing your self-respect? Or are they empowering you to stand firm in your authenticity?
Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process built upon small but consistent steps. And every step you take towards asserting your worth and setting healthy boundaries is a step towards increased self-respect.
So, take a moment to reflect on these phrases and how they show up in your life. Consider the changes you can make to shift towards self-respect. Because at the end of the day, respecting yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself and to the world around you.
What would Marcus Aurelius say?
Unsure what to do next in your career? Struggling to move on from a failed relationship? Searching for more meaning in life?
Marcus Aurelius can tell you how to face your challenges in a more Stoic way.
Simply ask your question, and Marcus Aurelius will answer.
