Have you ever felt consumed by the desire to make everyone else happy, even at the cost of your own?
Trust me, I’ve been there.
In a world that values altruism and selflessness, I found myself spiraling into a state of constant discontent, all because I was putting others’ happiness before my own.
Through a long process of self-introspection, reading, and guidance from people who’ve walked this path before me, I’ve discovered a few crucial insights that have significantly shifted my approach.
I wouldn’t say it’s been smooth sailing; there were numerous strategies that didn’t quite work out. But the ones that did?
They’ve been instrumental in restoring my sense of happiness and personal fulfillment.
So, let’s get right into it.
This is a reflection of my journey from being a people-pleaser to finding my own happiness. Maybe it can help you on your journey, too.
1) Learning to say no
The first step in my journey to regain personal happiness was learning and, most crucially, practicing the art of saying “no”.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of saying “yes” to everyone around you, especially when you’re driven by a desire to make others happy. But in trying to please everyone else, we often forget that our happiness matters too.
Not too long ago, it was almost second nature for me to agree to every request or favor asked of me. But this was taking a toll on my emotional well-being and leaving me perpetually drained.
It was only after reading “Essentialism” by Greg McKeown that I realized the importance of setting boundaries and selectively saying “no”. McKeown’s philosophy on the disciplined pursuit of less resonated with me deeply and encouraged me to prioritize what truly mattered.
Learning to say “no” is not about being selfish or unkind; it’s about understanding your own limits and protecting your mental health. It’s about valuing your time, energy, and emotional capacity.
Since I began practicing this, I’ve noticed a significant improvement in my happiness levels. I’ve found more time for self-care, more energy for what truly matters, and, most importantly, more respect for myself.
This step may seem daunting at first, but trust me, the freedom and peace it brings are well worth it.
2) Prioritizing self-care
In my quest to make everyone else happy, I had neglected my own needs and well-being. My energy was constantly being drained, leaving me feeling empty and unhappy.
Committing to self-care wasn’t about indulging in occasional luxuries or treating myself to expensive items. Instead, it was about simple, everyday acts that nurtured my well-being and filled my emotional reserves.
Whether it was taking a quiet walk in the park, reading a book, practicing yoga, or simply enjoying a cup of tea, these moments of self-care became my personal refuge.
By making time for self-care, I found myself better equipped to handle stress. It allowed me to replenish my energy and provided me with the strength to take care of others without compromising my own happiness.
3) Understanding the ‘Helper’s High’
Did you know there’s actual scientific research that supports the notion of experiencing a ‘helper’s high’, when we help others?
While this sounds positive, I was unknowingly becoming addicted to it. The more I helped others and made them happy, the more I craved this ‘high’.
Realizing this was my reality was a tough pill to swallow. But acknowledging this pattern was the first step in breaking free from it.
I started by consciously recognizing when I was seeking validation and happiness from others’ satisfaction. Then, I would remind myself that my worth is not dependent on pleasing others.
Breaking away from the ‘helper’s high’ addiction wasn’t easy. It took time, patience, and a lot of introspection. But slowly, I began finding joy in things unrelated to helping others—like spending time in nature, painting, or simply enjoying my favorite movie.
By understanding and addressing my dependency on the ‘helper’s high’, I was able to regain control over my happiness and start setting healthier boundaries. It’s an ongoing journey, but one that has been incredibly rewarding.
4) Embracing solitude and introspection
In a world that’s constantly buzzing with noise and distractions, finding quiet moments for introspection can be quite a challenge. But for me, it was these moments of solitude that proved to be my turning point.
Often when we’re busy pleasing others, we lose touch with our own feelings and desires. I was so engrossed in fulfilling everyone else’s needs that I’d forgotten to listen to my own inner voice.
It was only when I started spending time alone, away from the noise and demands of the outside world, that I began to truly understand what was happening.
During these periods of solitude, I would question, analyze, and introspect. Why was I so driven to please others? What was I trying to achieve? Was it validation, acceptance, or a sense of worth?
The answers weren’t always easy or comfortable, but they were necessary.
I also started journaling during this time. Much like the great thinkers and writers of the past, I found solace and clarity in the written word. Putting my thoughts on paper helped me unravel my feelings and understand my patterns more clearly.
5) Setting realistic expectations
Picture this: you’re juggling multiple roles and responsibilities, trying to meet everyone’s expectations, while your own happiness takes a back seat.
Does it sound familiar? It was my reality for a long time.
I was caught in a cycle of setting unrealistic expectations for myself in my attempt to keep everyone around me happy. The result? Constant disappointment, stress, and a severe blow to my self-esteem.
Setting realistic expectations has not only reduced my stress levels but also improved my relationships. By being more honest about what I can and cannot do, I’ve been able to communicate better with others and manage their expectations, too.
Remember, it’s okay not to be perfect. Set realistic expectations, honor your boundaries, and most importantly, be kind to yourself.
The bottom line
At the end of the day, it’s your happiness that matters.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.
I hope my sharing today has given you some value or inspiration. If so, you might enjoy the posts we send out in our regular newsletter. You can sign up below to stay updated and inspired.
Stay strong.
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