We all know those folks who seem sweet as pie, but there’s something sour lurking beneath. The difference between genuine kindness and a wolf in sheep’s clothing can be subtle, but it’s definitely there.
It all boils down to actions. People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often follow certain patterns of behavior.
In this article, we’ll be diving into eight specific behaviors that these individuals commonly display. So buckle up, and let’s take a closer look at what’s really going on beneath that sugary exterior.
1) Hidden agendas
Ah, the world of hidden agendas. It’s a tricky place, especially when you’re dealing with someone who seems oh-so-kind on the surface.
But here’s the thing about people who are mean underneath – they usually have their own interests at heart, even when they’re pretending to care about yours.
It’s a classic behavior of such individuals. They’ll act like they’re on your side, going out of their way to help you out. But behind the scenes, they’re working towards their own goals, which often don’t align with yours.
For example, they might offer to help you with a project, but what they’re really doing is trying to get a leg up in your company or score points with your boss.
The key here is to watch for inconsistencies between what they say and what they do. If their actions don’t match their words, it’s a good sign that there’s a hidden agenda at play.
But remember, it’s not about being paranoid. It’s about staying aware and protecting yourself from potential harm.
2) Backhanded compliments
Have you ever received a compliment that somehow didn’t feel quite right? I certainly have.
Let me tell you about an old friend of mine. She always seemed charming, often showering me with compliments. But something about her compliments always felt off.
One day, she said, “I love how you just wear anything. I wish I could be that brave.” It sounded like a compliment but felt like a criticism of my fashion choices.
That’s when I realized what she was doing. She was giving me what psychologists call ‘backhanded compliments’. These are compliments that actually contain a criticism or negative judgement.
People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath are masters at this. They manage to subtly put you down under the guise of praising you.
So, watch out for these seemingly sweet comments that leave a bitter aftertaste. They’re often a sign of someone who’s not as kind as they appear.
3) Frequent criticism
While criticism can be constructive, there’s a fine line between helpful feedback and constant negativity. People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often cross this line.
They tend to find faults in everything and everyone. They might sound concerned or constructive, but the underlying tone is often negative. They’re quick to highlight your mistakes, even when there’s no need to.
Interestingly, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals who constantly criticize others often do so as a way to elevate their own self-esteem and status.
So if you’re finding yourself on the receiving end of frequent, unnecessary criticism, it might not be about you at all. It could be more about them trying to mask their own insecurities.
4) Selective kindness
Ever met someone who is all smiles and sweetness with certain people, but cold and distant with others? This selective kindness can be a big red flag.
People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often use their charm selectively. They might be extremely nice to those who they think can benefit them in some way or those they want to impress. However, they may show a different, colder side to those who they perceive as less ‘useful’.
This inconsistent behavior can be very telling. Real kindness isn’t selective; it’s extended to everyone regardless of their status or how they can be useful.
So, keep an eye out for this inconsistency. It’s often a clear indicator of someone who’s hiding mean tendencies behind a kind facade.
5) Lack of empathy
There’s something deeply unsettling about interacting with someone who lacks empathy. It’s like dealing with a robot, stripped of the basic human ability to connect with the emotions of others.
Those who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often display this lack of empathy. They might nod and smile, even say the right things, but when it comes down to truly feeling for someone else, they fall short.
You might share a personal struggle, expecting some comfort or understanding, only to be met with a cold, detached response – or worse, a complete dismissal of your feelings.
It’s in these moments of vulnerability that their true colors start to show. Genuine kindness involves empathy, understanding, and compassion. If these are missing, what you’re dealing with is not kindness – it’s pretense.
6) Gossiping
I once had a coworker who was really good at making people laugh. He had a knack for storytelling and knew all the latest office news. It was entertaining at first, until I realized that his stories were often about other people’s misfortunes or mistakes.
Gossiping is a common trait among those who are kind on the surface but mean underneath. They often use gossip as a tool to bond with others, at the expense of someone else’s reputation.
This behavior not only undermines trust, but it also creates a negative environment. If they’re talking about others behind their backs, chances are they’re doing the same about you.
Remember, true kindness respects others, even in their absence. So be wary of those who thrive on gossip – it’s often a sign that their kindness might not be genuine.
7) Passive-aggressive behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior can be incredibly frustrating to deal with. It’s a way of expressing hostility or anger without being direct.
People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often resort to this behavior. They might use sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions to express their displeasure or resentment.
For instance, they might agree to help with a task but deliberately do a poor job, or they might give you the silent treatment when they’re upset, instead of openly discussing the issue.
This kind of behavior can be a form of manipulation, allowing them to express negativity without taking responsibility for it. If you notice this pattern of behavior, it’s often a sign that their kindness may be just for show.
8) Lack of accountability
Perhaps the most telling sign of someone who is kind on the surface but mean underneath is their lack of accountability. They have a knack for avoiding responsibility for their actions, often shifting the blame to others.
If something goes wrong, they’re quick to point fingers, even if they were the ones at fault. They might twist the narrative to present themselves as the victim, painting others in a negative light.
This refusal to accept responsibility is more than just frustrating; it’s harmful. It can create a toxic environment where others are always on edge, fearful of being blamed for something they didn’t do.
Remember, genuine kindness involves humility and the ability to accept when we’re at fault. If this is lacking, it’s a strong indicator that the kindness you’re seeing is just a facade.
Food for thought
Unraveling the complexity of human nature is no easy task. The behaviors we’ve discussed, while indicative of a certain type of person, are not definitive.
In the end, it’s important to remember that people are multi-faceted and capable of change. The coworker who gossips might just be seeking connection in the wrong way. The friend who offers backhanded compliments may be unaware of how their words affect others.
Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
So, if you recognize some of these behaviors in yourself, don’t despair. Self-awareness is the first step towards personal growth. And if you see these behaviors in others, practice empathy. Remember, we’re all on a journey, figuring things out as we go along.
As you move forward, keep these signs in mind. They can help you navigate complex relationships and interactions, ensuring that you surround yourself with genuine kindness and respect. And perhaps most importantly, they can help you ensure that your own kindness is both authentic and well-intentioned.
What would Marcus Aurelius say?
Unsure what to do next in your career? Struggling to move on from a failed relationship? Searching for more meaning in life?
Marcus Aurelius can tell you how to face your challenges in a more Stoic way.
Simply ask your question, and Marcus Aurelius will answer.
