Navigating a relationship can sometimes feel like sailing through choppy waters. The highs can be thrilling, but the lows? They’re enough to test the patience and resilience of even the strongest among us.
But what if there was a way to stay steady, no matter how wild the waves get?
Well, there is — in an unlikely ancient philosophy; Stoicism. It’s just as relevant today as it was way back when.
Stoicism is about emotional resilience – mastering our reactions, understanding our thoughts, and focusing on what we can control.
Today, we’ll explore some practical ways you can apply this ancient wisdom to your modern relationship.
Let’s dive in.
01 Remember That You Are In Control Of Your Emotions
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by external events or your partner’s actions. However, it’s essential to remember that you have the ability to control your response to these situations.
In fact, that’s really all we control, ourselves. As put by Epictetus:
“Of all existing things some are in our power, and others are not in our power. In our power are thought, impulse, will to get and will to avoid, and, in a word, everything which is our own doing.” (The Discourses of Epictetus 1916)
Practicing this control doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings but rather acknowledging them and choosing how to respond constructively.
When you take responsibility for your emotions, you empower yourself to navigate relationship challenges with greater clarity and composure.
02 Be Tolerant with your partner
A cornerstone of Stoic philosophy is the practice of tolerance, a principle that can profoundly benefit any relationship.
Marcus Aurelius advises, “Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.” This wisdom encourages us to be understanding and patient with our partners while maintaining high standards for our own behavior.
In a relationship, this means accepting your partner’s imperfections and focusing on your reactions to them.
Instead of becoming frustrated with your partner’s flaws or mistakes, practice empathy and seek to understand their perspective.
Remember, everyone has their own struggles and challenges, and compassion can go a long way in building a supportive and loving relationship.
On the flip side, being strict with yourself involves holding yourself accountable for your actions and reactions. Strive to improve your own behavior and responses, ensuring that you contribute positively to the relationship.
03 Don’t Get Too Attached to Your Partner’s Admiration
Do you find yourself constantly seeking your partner’s approval?
While it’s natural to value their opinion, relying too heavily on their admiration can lead to insecurity and constant reassurance seeking.
Respect and appreciate your partner’s perspective, but don’t let it be the sole measure of your worth. Focus on developing a strong sense of self that isn’t dependent on external validation. Your value comes from within, not from someone else’s approval.
For example, if you achieve something significant, take pride in your accomplishment because of the effort you invested, not just because your partner praises you. If your partner disagrees with you or doesn’t share your enthusiasm for something, don’t let it diminish your confidence.
04 Choose Kindness
As Marcus Aurelius eloquently noted:
“gentleness is invincible, if it be genuine and not sneering or hypocritical. For what can the most insolent do to you, if you continue gentle to him, and, if opportunity allows, mildly admonish him and quietly show him a better way at the very moment when he attempts to do you injury.” (The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)
This timeless advice highlights the power of genuine kindness in nurturing and sustaining a healthy relationship.
Choosing kindness means consistently treating your partner with respect, understanding, and compassion. It involves small, everyday acts of love and consideration that demonstrate your commitment to their well-being. This could be as simple as offering a comforting word during a tough day, or showing appreciation for their efforts and qualities.
However, it is crucial that this kindness is authentic and sincere, free from any flattery or hypocrisy. Genuine kindness is not about superficial gestures or empty compliments; it is about truly caring for your partner and valuing their presence in your life. It means standing by them during difficult times and supporting them without expecting anything in return.
For instance, when conflicts arise, as they inevitably will, choose to approach the situation with a kind heart. Instead of reacting with anger or frustration, take a moment to understand your partner’s perspective and respond with empathy. This approach not only diffuses tension but also reinforces the foundation of trust and respect in your relationship.
By consistently choosing kindness, you create a nurturing environment where both partners feel valued and understood.
05 Don’t Suffer your own Imagination
As Seneca wisely wrote, “We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” In relationships, this can manifest as unnecessary fears and insecurities that erode trust and happiness.
For instance, consider the common worry about a partner cheating. This concern can consume your thoughts and lead to unhealthy behaviors, but it is ultimately out of your control.
Constanly, imagining and worying about worst-case scenarios only amplifies your distress and harms the relationship.
Instead, focus on what you can control: building trust and communicating openly with your partner. Have honest conversations about your fears and work together to strengthen your bond. This shift in focus can reduce anxiety and foster a healthier, more trusting relationship.
By grounding yourself in the present and addressing real issues instead of imagined ones, you can avoid unnecessary suffering and create a more positive and supportive partnership.
06 Keep in Mind That Everything in Life Is Impermanent
One of the profound truths in Stoicism is the impermanence of all things.
Marcus Aurelius captured this beautifully:
“There is a kind of river of things passing into being, and Time is a violent torrent. For no sooner is each seen, than it has been carried away and another is being carried by, and that, too, will be carried away.” (The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)
Understanding impermanence means recognizing that both good and bad times will eventually pass. This awareness can bring comfort during difficult moments in your relationship.
When you encounter challenges, remember that these struggles are temporary and will give way to better times.
Conversely, acknowledging impermanence also encourages you to cherish and fully experience the good times. When you and your partner share moments of joy and connection, savor them. Appreciate these positive experiences, knowing that they are fleeting and precious.
The Bottom Line
Incorporating stoicism in your relationship isn’t about becoming emotionless or indifferent.
It’s about fostering understanding, acceptance, and resilience. It’s about valuing what truly matters and letting go of what doesn’t. And most importantly, it’s about growing together as individuals and as a couple.
Try these principles in your relationship and observe the changes.
We’d be eager to hear about your experiences and thoughts – feel free to share them in the comments below.
And until next time, stay Stoic.
What would Marcus Aurelius say?
Unsure what to do next in your career? Struggling to move on from a failed relationship? Searching for more meaning in life?
Marcus Aurelius can tell you how to face your challenges in a more Stoic way.
Simply ask your question, and Marcus Aurelius will answer.
