How to deal with difficult people the Stoic way

We’ve all been there—whether it’s at work, with family, or even in line at the grocery store—dealing with difficult people is an inevitable part of life. Their negativity, rudeness, or just plain obstinacy can really test our patience. But instead of letting these encounters ruin our day, what if we approached them like a Stoic?

The Stoics teach us that we can’t control how others behave, but we can control how we respond. As Epictetus wisely said, “Of all existing things, some are in our power, and others are not in our power”​.

The actions of others fall into the latter category. Our power lies in how we choose to react to them.

In this article, I’ll share some Stoic strategies that have helped me not only survive these tricky interactions but thrive in them.

Let’s dive in.

1) Focus on your own mindset, not theirs

The Stoics remind us that while we cannot control other people’s actions or attitudes, we do have full control over our own thoughts and reactions. This is where our true power lies.

Epictetus famously said, “What disturbs men’s minds is not events, but their judgments on events”​.

When dealing with difficult people, it’s easy to let their negativity pull you into frustration or anger. But their behavior is just an event—your judgment of it is what creates stress.

Instead of reacting impulsively, take a step back. Remind yourself that their actions are their burden, not yours.

Marcus Aurelius also urged us not to let others’ wrongdoings affect us, writing, “Another does wrong. What is that to me? Let him look to it; he has his own disposition, his own activity”​. (The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)

By focusing on your own mindset, you protect your peace. The difficult person may remain difficult, but your response becomes calm, centered, and unaffected.

And over time, you’ll find that your ability to stay composed under pressure grows stronger—a hallmark of Stoic resilience.

2) Respond with kindness and compassion

This is a big one. 

When someone treats you poorly, it’s natural to feel defensive or even lash out. However, the Stoics believed that responding with kindness is not only noble but also powerful.

Marcus Aurelius advised, “Gentleness is invincible if it be genuine… What can the most insolent do to you if you continue gentle to him?”​. (The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Antoninus, 1944)

Basically, Stoicism teaches us that kindness is not a weakness but a strength that disarms hostility and maintains our integrity.

The next time you’re confronted by someone difficult, try to see beyond their actions. Maybe they’re struggling with something you don’t know about, or maybe they’ve just formed bad habits over time. Either way, responding with compassion doesn’t mean you’re excusing their behavior—it means you’re choosing to act according to your principles, not their provocation.

Kindness, especially when unexpected, has the ability to change the tone of an interaction. You may not turn an enemy into a friend, but you can leave the encounter with your values intact and your mind at peace. This approach benefits both you and the other person, even if they don’t realize it at the time.

3) Let go of expectations of others

It’s so easy to get frustrated with difficult people because we often expect them to behave in a certain way—polite, reasonable, or kind – right?

But Stoic philosophy would suggest that it’s not the people themselves who disturb us; it’s our expectations of how they should act.

Epictetus advises, “Ask not that events should happen as you will, but let your will be that events should happen as they do and you shall have peace”​. (The Discourses of Epictetus , 1916)

When we cling to unrealistic expectations, we create a mental gap between what we want and what actually happens. This gap is where frustration, anger, and disappointment thrive. By releasing your expectations and accepting others as they are, you free yourself from this unnecessary tension.

This doesn’t mean you have to accept mistreatment or bad behavior, but it does mean you stop letting it dictate your peace of mind. Instead of wasting energy wishing others were different, you maintain your focus on what you can control—your own reactions and attitudes. This preserves your inner tranquility, no matter how others choose to act.

4) Detach from the outcome

So let’s say you’ve done everything right—you’ve kept your calm, responded with kindness, and adjusted your expectations—yet the difficult person remains just as challenging. This is where the Stoics remind us to detach from the outcome.

Epictetus famously taught, “You can be invincible if you never enter into a contest where victory is not in your power”​. (The Discourses of Epictetus , 1916)

The key is recognizing that no matter how well you handle yourself, you cannot control how others respond. You’ve done your part—what happens next is outside your control.

When you detach from the need for a specific result, you liberate yourself from anxiety and disappointment. The Stoics encourage us to focus on our actions, not the outcomes, because ultimately, the only thing we truly own is our effort. By embracing this mindset, you ensure that external circumstances, including difficult people, have little power over your well-being.

5) See your interactions as a learning experience

Dealing with difficult people isn’t a one-time event—it’s often a long-term challenge. This is where the Stoic virtues of patience and endurance come into play.

Seneca wisely observed, “Manliness gains much strength by being challenged”​. (Seneca’s Morals, 1882)

The obstacles others place in our path can serve as opportunities for us to strengthen our character. Instead of viewing these interactions as burdens, the Stoics encourage us to see them as exercises in fortitude—a chance to prove to ourselves that we can handle whatever comes our way with grace and resilience.

By practicing patience and endurance, you not only handle difficult people more effectively, but you also grow stronger internally. Each test of your patience becomes an opportunity to build greater mental toughness and emotional stability.

Final thoughts

I hope these Stoic strategies have been helpful in guiding you through the challenges of dealing with difficult people.

Remember, the power lies in how you choose to respond, not in how others behave. By focusing on your own mindset, responding with kindness, releasing expectations, detaching from outcomes, and practicing patience, you can maintain your peace in even the most trying situations.

I’d love to hear your thoughts—how do you apply Stoic principles in your own life?

Share your experiences in the comments below.

And if you’re looking for more Stoic insights and practical tips, be sure to sign up for our Stoic newsletter. It’s a great way to stay inspired and continue your journey toward a more resilient and tranquil life.

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